The Assault

I’m telling the story of my sexual assault. My rape.

At the conference I just attended, ACPA 2016, I saw how profoundly impacted the crowd was by a young lady telling the story of her sexual assault. You could tell they were shocked – she didn’t “look” like how they they thought a sexual assault victim should “look.” I heard, “She’s so sweet!” and “She looks just like my best friend!”

I hope to share my story to help bring awareness to an awful reality in our society still today. Not only does sexual assault happen, but the victims often find themselves in situations where people call it a “he said, she said” or a “misunderstanding.” Victims don’t find themselves in those situations, rather people choose to put them there. Those people need to have an awakening about sexual assault. Sexual assault doesn’t “happen” to only “certain” people. It could happen to anyone. It could be done by anyone.

Raise awareness. Support the survivors. Taking the report is not enough. Be compassionate. There are more survivors than you think. One in four college students have been sexually assaulted.

Hearing Kristen talk about her story has given me the strength to publish this draft I wrote some time ago.

After 12 years, I forgave myself. After 12 years, I forgave him. I decided he doesn’t deserve any bit of my attention. He doesn’t get any real estate in my psyche.

For those 12 years, though, I struggled. I struggled with nightmares, while asleep and awake. I struggled with touch: hugs, unexpected brushes of arms, and even the loving touch of my wonderful husband. I struggled with blame, often telling myself how dumb I was putting myself in that situation. I struggled with guilt, often railing myself for how naïve I was.

In hope this will impact even just one person’s view of sexual assault awareness, I post this story. The names have been omitted because I never made the report. I never found the strength.

It was a Saturday morning. My friend needed me to watch his son. He had to work all day. His girlfriend had to work at the bank until noon and would be back after that. I met her at their apartment and she left for work. I settled in playing with [the toddler].

His son had a cold. He fell asleep after I fed him a snack and cleaned up his nose. He was about 2 at the time. His bedroom was straight back from the apartment door. Their bedroom was to the left of the toddler’s bedroom.

After cleaning up the dishes I used to make the toddler’s snack, I sat down on the sofa to watch tv. I was watching Where the Heart Is when he came in the door.

I remember being startled because I didn’t expect him to come home. I then got up and started to gather my things. He asked me if I wanted to see his girlfriend’s birthday present. I said, “Sure.” He said, “It’s in the bedroom.” I said, “Okay,” and followed him into the bedroom.

He said to sit down on the bed while he got it out of the closet. Again I said, “Okay,” and sat down on the foot of the bed. He went to the closet and said for me to close my eyes. I laughed, said, “Okay,” one last time and totally expected him to show me skimpy lingerie and didn’t want the Victoria’s Secret bag to spoil the surprise. Then he handcuffed my wrist, and linked my hands behind me. I asked what he was doing and then said, “Oh! Ha! You got her handcuffs.” (they were into that sort of thing). He said that’s not all. I asked him if he could take the handcuffs off and tried to get my hands out.

He went back to the closet and came back with his hands behind his back. He then quickly put the blindfold over my eyes and shoved me back on the bed. He proceeded to pull my pants and underwear off. I started to panic. I asked him what he was doing. He said, “Showing you [her] birthday present.” As he forcibly penetrated me. I felt a sharp pain. It burned. And it hurt. He asked me if it felt good. I told him it hurt. He said it was supposed to feel good and he didn’t stop.

Afterward, he took off the blindfold and the handcuffs. I can’t remember if he pulled my pants up or if I did. I quickly got my things and left. I got to my car but couldn’t remember how to drive. I remember crying then sobbing. The next thing I remember, I was home. Chris was shocked to see me home early. I didn’t tell him. I couldn’t face the shame.

It was another 10 years before I told him what happened. By not telling him, I hurt him worse than telling him when it happened. He reassured me that it wasn’t my fault.

Days after the assault, [he] tried contacting me . I ignored his phone calls. I ignored his texts. In his messages, he acted like it was no big deal.

A couple of weeks later, I tried calling his girlfriend at her work to tell her what happened, since I didn’t want [him] seeing the call and denying it. She said he told her I would try something like this. He said I wanted to break them up because I wanted to be with him. She screamed at me on the phone. We didn’t talk again.

Years later [he] emailed me at my work email while I worked in the financial aid office at SLU Law. He said he was sorry for anything he had ever done and hoped I was well. I replied curtly that I hoped his family was well. He replied once more implying that I wasn’t over it and could understand why I didn’t want to talk.

Shortly after the email I saw him at Costco. Apparently he works there with their cell phone booth. I approached Costco management about letting me know when he works so I could then shop on times when he is not there. He hesitated. I let the manager know it was in relation to a sexual assault from years prior. The manager then said he couldn’t provide me the information as it violated the employee’s privacy and that he wasn’t sure what sort of disagreement I had with [him], but stands by his employees and can’t get involved with a “he said she said.” The manager then suggested I shop somewhere else.

Society shouldn’t ostracize the victim. Please make sure you don’t. Where is the compassion for the survivor? I hope you find it on your campus and encourage others to find it too.

CDC: Rape and Domestic Violence are Women’s Problems

Thanks to this new handy infographic from the Center for Disease Control released as part of their Vital Signs report, women now know that drinking can put women at risk of sexually transmitted diseased, unplanned pregnancy, and violence.

I could make some funny jokes here about the stupidity of it all, but I’m not. This is serious. All too often throughout history has the responsibility for sexual protection, domestic violence, and rape been placed upon women.

Women should have the right to not be abused or assaulted regardless of our actions, attire, age, etc.

I really thought we were making progress with women’s rights considering the recent changes to women’s health care coverage and the focus on sexual assault on campus.

I guess not.

Thanks, CDC. You’ve now proven idiocracy is real.

 

The Grey

Monday night I was assisting in the intervention skills class. This course is aimed at preparing student affairs professionals to support students should they have certain concerns or needs. Our topics this semester range from depression to Autism to identity.

This week’s topic was sexual assault. This is never an easy subject for anyone. With 1 in 4 college women being sexually assaulted, we need to break the silence.

Claudia Charles, Director of Counseling and Wellness at Fontbonne University, spoke to the class about sexual assault and supporting students who may have experienced such an event. She spoke about counseling students who were assaulters and how being present with the student is helpful in keeping biases in check. She also went over general information, including statistics, sexual assault facts, and emotions victims may be experiencing.

There is so much grey in the experience of sexual assault. No, not every victim will say rape even though it was rape. No, not every victim will fight their assaulter. No, not every victim will want to speak out. No, not every victim will come to the acceptance of their sexual assault.

This brings the conversation back to the thought that we need to support those who do come forward about sexual assault. We need to encourage them to seek counseling and hopefully they will report the crime to the police. We need to strongly encourage victims to seek medical attention for their assault.  This is integral in ensuring they are physically ok and collecting any possible evidence should the victim wish to prosecute in the future.

One question I had, as I have never had the experience of accompanying anyone to the emergency room for sexual assault, is what does this experience look like for a person?

Would in the case of people on their parents’ insurance plan result in an explanation of benefits (EOB) mailed home? This could be an issue in instances where the person does not wish to have parents notified. Victims can process the emergency room visit without using insurance, and the visit might be able to be covered by a victim’s grant.

I marvel at how some find the courage to relive their assault in order to seek medical attention, counseling, or to prosecute the assaulter. They are strong and I am proud of those people. Be proud of those people too. Show your support by speaking up about sexual assault. You could be the push someone needs to break the silence.

Read on:

Crime Victim Compensation information

Video about emergency room experience

ER Care for Sexual Assault Victims

 

Sticks and Stones and the Internet

A couple weeks ago Chris and I went on a drive in our new car. The kids were with Grandma and we just enjoyed the journey. During our drive we discussed many things, including an upcoming project of mine that will make me more visible online.

Chris argued that by putting myself out there in any way and by simply being a woman, I am opening myself up to the unfortunate side of the Internet. He hates this side of the Internet, totally thinks I shouldn’t let this stop me, but just wanted to warn me. I told him I wasn’t worried because my focus isn’t anything, even seemingly, controversial. He replied, “It doesn’t matter. They don’t care. It’s just because you’re a woman. And smart. They hate that.”

I don’t get why people feel justified in harassing other people, on or off the Internet. It just doesn’t make sense.

Well, he’s right.

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By just having thoughts in my head, I’m controversial.

This underlying and sometimes blatant hatred of women just because they’re women and smart is…well, I just cannot put it into words. I honestly cannot comprehend any possible reason for such a stupid perspective. Why would someone hate anyone for being smart? Having opinions? Or even just existing?

You want to know what else bothers me? This thought that what happens online isn’t real. Last week I read an amazing article that expresses what is real and constant for many women in our society.

John Oliver breaks down the reality for women on the Internet with a little bit of humor.

For god’s sake, you’d think the way the people are lashing out at these women, they were axe murderers or even Hitler himself.

What happens online doesn’t stay online. This harassment affects our every day lives. By continuing to dismiss and accept these crimes against women, the oppressive power will persist on the Internet just as it has in society for thousands of years.

Let’s Talk about Sexual Assault

Lady Gaga reacts to sexual assault on college campuses. It’s an epidemic that we’re ignoring. It’s savage. Diminishing. Accepted. Haunting. Common. Isolating.

One in 5 female and 1 in sixteen male college students will be sexually assaulted this year. Think about this: smaller colleges have class sizes of about 15 students. So that means in each classroom you walk past on campus, at least 3 students in that room will be sexually assaulted this year.

Eight out of 10 people know their assaulter. I did.

Sexual assault is something that will stay with you always. Over a decade later, I can still close my eyes and remember every detail.

Sixty-three percent of sexual assault crimes are not reported to the police.

No one asks to be sexually assaulted. Ever.

Help someone you know break the silence. Make sure you listen.

For more information and resources:

RAINN Rape, Abuse & Insest National Network

Sept 21 Washington Post article, “What a massive sexual assault survey found at 27 top U.S. universities”

What Senator McCaskill and others are doing with the Campus Accountability and Safety Act